Trump Presidential Library to Feature Golf, Gambling

The Donald J. Trump Library Foundation has unveiled preliminary plans for the former head of state’s presidential library, which it says will be located near the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida. The building is designed to have maximum environmental impact, and activities for guests will range from interactive museum exhibits to playing the slots.

To that end, the designated site has an impressive Walk Score of zero and will be completely paved over, resulting in 100% stormwater runoff to the ocean and the Intracoastal Waterway. Forty-five perpetually oscillating searchlights (representing Trump’s position as the 45^th president) aimed at a 100-foot-tall gold statue of the former president will effectively scatter migratory songbirds. High-flow toilets and incandescent light bulbs will be specially ordered from Dubai since they will not meet U.S. conservation standards. Similarly, many interior products—guaranteed to contain freedom-enhancing metals like lead and mercury in their golden coatings—will be sourced from overseas.

Sea-level rise caused by global warming has not been a consideration, but in a surprising nod to resilient design, there will be an onsite coal-powered backup generator to protect the collections should the building go offline. And to ensure the generator’s readiness, it will continuously produce the electricity to digitally mine TrumpCoin, the former president’s forthcoming blockchain currency.

Like most presidential libraries of the past, the Trump library will have both permanent and rotating interactive exhibits. Some of those proposed include:

• A continuously scrolling Twitter archive that allows viewers to “like” tweets as they pass by
• Trump’s extensive Sharpie collection, including an interactive sniffing feature
• A life-size replica of the gilded Trump statue unveiled at CPAC 2021, located in a selfie booth
• Copies of President Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, which visitors will have the option to shoot at with an AR-15

The Trump library will break away from tradition with some of the other activities on offer, though. These include a 30,000-seat amphitheater, where Trump will lead rallies every night at 7 p.m., along with weekend matinees. (In a completely unrelated venture, HoloCrowd Technologies will lease space in the library complex.) Also on offer will be a fully appointed casino, a rooftop Olympic-size food court, and a links-style golf course located on the coast.

The project will be designed to meet the MyPillow Building Standard and has already won the Vanilla Ice Prize for Extreme Architectural Coolness.